Book Review: The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

 

Story Time: I was testing this app, it's a photo editor I found online. It has so many features that you can actually transform your photos into something you envision. I was amazed at how today's technology can so easily help us turn an ordinary photo like this:

Into something brighter and more glowing, like this:

As I exported the newly edited photo, I noticed that the app showed a summary of the changes I had applied to achieve the final result. A total of 10 edits were made ranging from filters to temperature, color adjustments, brightness, and more. Wow, that’s quite a lot of changes for a single photo! While tinkering with it, I remembered a book I had just finished reading. It's a best-selling book called The Courage to Be Disliked by Japanese philosophers and psychologists Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. My friends recommended it to me, and I’ll tell you, if you decide to read it, prepare for your beliefs to be challenged by Adlerian Psychology.

I recalled that the book talked about many life issues, including how we tend to complicate the world. According to the book, the world is actually very simple, but we each view it through different filters, which makes it seem more complicated. We want to see the world the way we want it to be so we create beliefs, force things to happen, and often live life not by our own design but according to others, making things unnecessarily complex. In truth, it's simple. Just like the photo above, it used to be simple, but my desire to make it brighter and clearer led me to apply all kinds of filters.

At first, I found the book’s format a bit strange because it’s written as a dialogue between a youth and a philosopher. And even though the authors are Japanese, the concept isn't specifically tied to Japan. In fact, the core ideas are based on the teachings of Alfred Adler, a lesser-known philosopher compared to Freud or Jung. That intrigued me. I resonated with the youth character in the book that I kind of get hooked to reading it. Sometimes I get angry at life, mostly because I don’t understand what’s happening around me, and I end up blaming my past or my circumstances. As I read further, it felt like I was a dartboard being repeatedly hit. I had to take everything with a grain of salt, because at times, I found myself disagreeing.

One example is Adler’s teleological psychology. Unlike Freud’s etiological psychology, which suggests that our present is caused by our past, Adler believed we should be driven by purpose and not held back by our past. He gave the example of a child who is afraid to go outside. According to Freud, the child’s fear could be due to past trauma like strict parents, bullying, or other past events. Adler disagreed. He argued that the child stays inside simply because he chooses to. The past is just an excuse. If the child truly wanted to go out, he would. In Adler's view, trauma does not exist in a way that defines our behavior, our past has nothing to do with who we are now. if we really want to change, we can do so, traumatized or not.

This could be hard to accept, especially for those struggling with mental health due to past experiences. It can feel invalidating and I agree with that concern.

I also learned that all problems stem from interpersonal relationships. If you don’t want problems, then live alone on another planet. As long as you interact with others, problems are inevitable. That’s why we’re taught to treat people as comrades, not enemies. By doing this, we stop comparing ourselves to others and quit competing. Only when we stop seeing others as opponents can we build healthy relationships.

Adler also discussed inferiority and superiority complexes. I learned that these are not opposites as superiority actually stems from inferiority. When we feel inferior (thinking less of ourselves compared to others), we may try to appear superior by associating ourselves with successful people. We draw confidence from others' success rather than our own. He also described the feeling of inferiority as different from the inferiority complex. The former can motivate us to strive harder, to improve ourselves. Adler encouraged horizontal relationship, that is treating everyone as equals. This helps eliminate feelings of both inferiority and superiority. To maintain horizontal relationships, we must avoid both praise and rebuke. Instead of praising, simply say “thank you.” Praise can unintentionally place others above us, creating vertical relationships.

Another important concept was the separation of tasks. Each person has their own tasks, these are the things they can control. We should focus on our own tasks and not interfere with others'. For example, parents should not choose their children's career paths. The more we interfere, the more likely we are to face rejection. By focusing only on our own responsibilities, we develop the courage to be disliked. That means doing what makes us happy, regardless of others’ opinions. Whether others approve or not is their task, not ours.

In all these conversations, the bottom line is: we all aspire to be free and happy. But we can only achieve that if we follow our purpose, contribute to our community, and focus on what we can control. While we can't avoid relationships, we can choose how we engage with others and how much power we give their opinions over our lives. When we stop chasing approval, that’s when we feel true freedom. If you’re still seeking approval, you haven’t found that freedom yet.

I remember a friend who used to post photos and videos online. She would get only a few likes and views but she kept posting anyway. Her purpose wasn’t about getting views. She wanted a platform where she could archive memories of her travels and life events. So it didn’t matter whether people reacted or not, that wasn’t her goal.

I relate to that with this little blog of mine. Since around 2016 or 2017, blogging has mostly been replaced by vlogging. People now prefer watching videos over reading articles. But did I stop writing? No. Did I shut down this blog like many other bloggers? No. Because I understood that things had changed and I accepted that my organic traffic would be lower than it was in the early 2000s. I stopped chasing traffic and refocused on my purpose: to write down my thoughts about my travels, book reviews, movie and food reviews, or anything else. Someday, I’ll look back and read what I wrote 5 or 10 years ago and relive those moments. It’s now more about passion than seeking approval from readers. If I have readers, great. If not, that’s okay too. I no longer want to waste time thinking about how to increase traffic. That’s no longer my priority. This is my task and I won’t intervene in others’.

I’m not 100% converted to Adlerian Psychology, but I’m glad I came across it. It reminded me how powerful our emotions are and how, if we’re not aware of these concepts, our emotions can take over and cause chaos in our lives and the world around us.